The reality of life has hit home. Yesterday I went to see the pediatrician. Dr Buckmaster - a god in his own right, as far as I am concerned. He did such an amazing job with caring for Harrison and getting him transferred to Westmead. I really feel that he saved Harrison's life. I was really emotional about seeing him. At the end of my appointment with him I told him thank you - for all you did in saving Harrison's life and being so thorough, because he wouldn't be here now if you hadn't done what you did. I then cried all the way home. You see, Dr Buckmaster was quite real with me - and we talked about Occupational therapy and physiotherapy and setting up the things Harrison will need. Harrison's eyes are also doing a new side to side movement as well as the up and down stuff too now. I cry because I don't know why this is happening, and if this is going to be a serious problem in the future. I cry because at the moment life seems a little hopeless. I cry for the life I once had, without the massive burden we now face financially.
But it is not just that that I am emotional about. Giving up work is hard, not that I value work over the kids, but that work is my time, selfish - yes, but I value the time and space away from the kids, house and Scott to just be me. I miss not being out there and earning my income. Work has always been my tool for coping with life.
Whenever I got stressed out or had a problem - I'd work. Now that avenue is no longer an option. I have had to give up work, purely to care for Harrison. It seems strange that I should miss this so much, and it pales in comparison to being with my son but it was my outlet. That and I feel that I'm not contributing as much financially now, which I have always been able to do.
Scott's income alone is not enough to support us and when my maternity leave entitlements are done, well that's just it. No more help. Harrison has a few problems, yet he is not considered to be sick enough that we get Carer's Payment. However- he can't leave the house, has multiple little side issues and we have no other means of an income.
Further adding to my depressed state is the fact that we will have to sell the car. This puts us out of pocket just another couple of thousand dollars, that we also don't have - and leaves us without a car. They joy of the novated lease was great - while I was still working. No income means no money to pay off a car. But what do we do? And I am concerned that the fundraising that is happening won't quite be enough to cover Harrison's medical bills as time goes on.
I am so scared about the future. I don't want to lose our family home, but if interest rates keep rising and we have only 1 income we may well lose the house. No house, no car and a sick child.
It really sucks that if a person sticks a needle in their arm - the government bend over backwards to help them out, but those in genuine need? Not a hope.
Then add my stupid sister to this already difficult equation. She decides to run off the rails now. Why, probably cause the focus of attention is no longer on her. So instead of stepping up to the plate, she stuffs things up completely. And I feel guilty because Mum, while she is here helping me, then has Hope to deal with. Mum does so much for us - practically putting her life on hold to be here helping us, and I really love her being here and helping, yet I feel that I would happily throttle my sister right now for giving Mum so much extra stress. So instead of falling apart - like I truly want to do at the moment, I don't - Because Mum has enough to deal with right now.
There are days, where I wish that I could also choose my family as I can choose my friends. It would soooo make life much , much more simple.
2 comments:
Beautiful Princess Tracey... you are such an amazingly strong woman! I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire & look up to you for the way you have stepped up to & handled all the things that have been thrown your way in the last couple of months. I wish so much there was more I could do for you. I love you Matey!
Beth xx
Every time I look at this website I break down into tears. I am so in awe of the strength of (my superwoman daughter) Tracey & Scott and can't believe how well Marlie, Sterling and Ella also cope with the major readjustment that Harrison's illness has placed on the family. Their life has been turned upside down, and continues that way day to day, with the burden of financial stress thrown in. No one family derserves to have to go through this, yet they are, and still, there is love, laughter and smiles in this home. As a mother & grandmother I want to pull out the miracle cure and can't (and this is more bloody frustrating than I can put into words because I have always been able to fix everything). We are a strong family, and it is my greatest privilege to be there with you every step of the way. I love you all so much and have a heart that bursts with pride that you are my family (I couldn't choose better if I tried). Keep up the great work with this amazing website. Your words (good, bad and indifferent) are inspriational. Love & huge hugs, Mum.
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